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Magnolia New Beginnings

Thank you Marybeth Cichocki for joining the Magnolia New Beginnings blog! We look forward to seeing your posts!

After losing my son, Matt last January I feel like I’ve inherited the elephant.  You know the one I’m talking about.  The elephant in the room that no one will acknowledge let alone talk about. This elephant follows me around like a lost dog except he’s so much bigger and harder to ignore.

I inherited this elephant shortly after the death of my youngest son.  You see, Matt died from an overdose of prescription drugs.  He never touched street drugs and I never thought he would die.

So now I’m left behind.  Trying to come to terms with this tragedy and attempting to navigate this new life without my son.  Mothers are not supposed to bury their children.  It goes against nature.  Shattering our dreams of the present and our hopes for…

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Okay, maybe that’s a tad harsh. But, as a person who seems to like to build people up at my own expense, I think it’s a step in the right direction. Fixing everything and trying to find my own self esteem and self worth by looking outside of myself sometimes attracts unhealthy people.

“Love me so I can love myself!” I seem to say in a whisper, much like those silent dog whistles, that only a narcissist can hear.

Friends and neighbors, I can tell you honestly…that does not work. If in fact you’d like to attract people that will take and not give anything back, if you’d like to spend your time trying to please the unpleaseable, if you’d like to feel smaller everyday…well, that’s the recipe.

Look in the mirror, into your own eyes, and see how wonderful you are. Look within.

Don’t forget to love yourself.

Soren Kierkegaard

Love Yourself



Holy Moses do I need to be alone! I adore the people around me but I’m a person who needs her solitude. This weekend I’m planning on taking a road trip and visiting some friends I haven’t seen in awhile back in NYC. I can’t wait, but almost as much as seeing them I am looking forward to being alone. That hours of driving alone sounds like nirvana to me right now. I need to think, to contemplate, and to get ready for what’s next. I need to do all of this without being asked where the ketchup is or what’s today’s date or what are we having for dinner at 8 am. In order to be calm and loving and not scream “how the f*ck do I know” when asked these perfectly innocent questions I need some time alone. I’m praying I make it to Friday.

“We must become so alone, so utterly alone, that we withdraw into our innermost self. It is a way of bitter suffering. But then our solitude is overcome, we are no longer alone, for we find that our innermost self is the spirit, that it is God, the indivisible. And suddenly we find ourselves in the midst of the world, yet undisturbed by its multiplicity, for our innermost soul we know ourselves to be one with all being.”

Hermann Hesse


“I had as many doubts as anyone else. Standing on the starting line, we’re all cowards.”
                 Alberto Salazar quotes (American sprinter)What a relief it was to read those words.  Alberto Salazar won three consecutive NYC Marathons and the Boston Marathon in addition to competing in the Olympics. The thought of him, standing on the starting line, being a coward in his own mind is somehow very comforting to me.

This week I am tying up loose ends at school. Wednesday is my last day. I’ll pack up my boxes and shut the door for the last time.  It’s going to be really weird. I’m not completely sure how I feel about it. I told one friend who has known me for a long time that I think I’m just a little scared of the unknown. She laughed at me and I had to laugh myself. I’ve never been afraid of change or a challenge or anything else for that matter.

So, I’m approaching the starting line and feeling like a bit of a coward and I have a few doubts.  Maybe, there is just a little fear of all that freedom.  Anything is possible. I’m also getting a excited. I can feel freedom and the excitement of a new challenge.

Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.

Jim Morrison