Category Archives: And then she said…

Jun17
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“I had as many doubts as anyone else. Standing on the starting line, we’re all cowards.”
                 Alberto Salazar quotes (American sprinter)What a relief it was to read those words.  Alberto Salazar won three consecutive NYC Marathons and the Boston Marathon in addition to competing in the Olympics. The thought of him, standing on the starting line, being a coward in his own mind is somehow very comforting to me.

This week I am tying up loose ends at school. Wednesday is my last day. I’ll pack up my boxes and shut the door for the last time.  It’s going to be really weird. I’m not completely sure how I feel about it. I told one friend who has known me for a long time that I think I’m just a little scared of the unknown. She laughed at me and I had to laugh myself. I’ve never been afraid of change or a challenge or anything else for that matter.

So, I’m approaching the starting line and feeling like a bit of a coward and I have a few doubts.  Maybe, there is just a little fear of all that freedom.  Anything is possible. I’m also getting a excited. I can feel freedom and the excitement of a new challenge.

Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.

Jim Morrison

Freedom

Jun9

I hang with Adam Sandler…

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…and David Spade, and Kevin James, and the guy that look likes Newman from Seinfeld and might be, and even that cute guy from the Hunger Games.

Actually that is a bold faced lie, but they are  filming the sequel to the movie “Grownups” aptly named “Grownups 2”, in the very small town, where I live.  I, and the other 20,000 residents, of this town have gone varying degrees of star struck over the last month or so. Well, I, not so much. Honestly I’m just not that interested except for the fact that I find it really cool that with all of the places to choose from he has picked this town that I have come to love. The entire town has been taken over by this movie it seems. They have changed the façade of the middle school to look like the high school that will be in the movie. They have constructed buildings, closed roads and even took the high school girls softball team out to lunch. Needless to say it’s been every kind of nutty for a town that only has one way in and way out, for the most part.

So I was taking the extremely long way out of town because a scene was being filmed at a local baseball field when I realized that I actually feel sorry for Adam (I can call him that because we hang out, sort of) and for all of the other of huge stars that are in this movie. While the entire town was stalking them I was able to drive by the ocean and smell the sea air, wave to a policeman that was directing traffic, and then come to the beach to write a little. No one gave me a second look except for the cop who was about 12 and clearly thought I was flirting and was not impressed. I can’t imagine what it must be like to have the constant attention of the public. Bad days, happy days and all of the days in between there probably is always someone watching.

I enjoy my solitude. I need it and crave it like a drug if I am without it too long. Would I trade it for millions of dollars? Would I like to be within the circle of the rich and famous? Well, I thought maybe until today. But, I think I’m content to just watch from this side of the fence, and ofcourse lie about it a little.

Have a happy Saturday!

Jun6

Feast on Your Life

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Love After Love

The time will come
when, with elation
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror
and each will smile at the other’s welcome,

and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you

all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.

Derek Walcott
Jun5

Self-acceptance

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 Not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves.  ~Henry David Thoreau

I’ve done quite a bit of soul searching recently. I realize that while I crave security, I’m never unhappier than when I consistently know what tomorrow will bring. I always need to shake thing up. It’s always made everyone crazy, but at nearly 50 I’m starting to like that about myself.

I’ve come to accept that I am the sum total of all of my experiences. That all of the pain and love, the disappointments and the successes, the friendships and the betrayals, have brought me to this place and made me the person I am today.  I’m learning to love all of those things. It hasn’t come easily and sometimes it doesn’t come at all.

I continue everyday to strive to improve without losing the unique person that I am.  Embracing the frailties are just as important as taking pride in the strengths. I like that I’m a little quirky and that I see things differently than most people. I like that I’m usually the first person to try something new and that I jump in with both feet and tend to ignore the sign for the deep end of the water. Sometimes these qualities serve me well and sometimes they just make for a really entertaining story a decade after I recover from it. All in all, I’ll keep all the pieces because I’m enjoying the crazy ride of being me.

There’s a period of life when we swallow a knowledge of ourselves and it becomes either good or sour inside.  ~Pearl Bailey



Jun4

What do you want now?

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“You can’t ask for what you want unless you know what it is. A lot of people don’t know what they want or they want much less than they deserve. First you have figure out what you want. Second, you have to decide that you deserve it. Third, you have to believe you can get it. And, fourth, you have to have the guts to ask for it.”- Barbara De Angelis

How many of us really know what we want? Do you have a clear picture? Do you know you deserve it? Do you believe you can have it? Well then, go ahead, ask for it! Seriously…louder…there ya go! Keep asking until you get it.

I can teach anybody how to get what they want out of life.  The problem is that I can’t find anybody who can tell me what they want.  ~Mark Twain

Jun2

Choices and Courage

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Whatever you are not changing,
you are choosing.
 — Laurie Buchanan

As with most questions in life, if you pay very careful attention, the answer presents itself. First subtly, which is why those most ‘in tune’ get the message right way. Then, with a little more force. Perhaps the stain on the ceiling is growing and it’s time to check out the reason for that? If we ignore that message we often get a full-blown catastrophe. The ceiling stain becomes the roof that leaks, which becomes the roof that falls in on your head.  The final answer is now given in a way that we just can’t ignore.

I have always aspired to be the person who got the message at the first whisper. Unfortunately, the reality is that I’ve often been the girl who stayed too long at the party; stuck out the bad relationship hoping it would change and when it did it was for the worse; worked at the stressful job until it made me ill; held the hand of the incredibly needy friend until they sucked the last bit of energy out of me and then were nowhere to be found when I needed them.  I’ve almost always known what I should do, but instead I stayed. Maybe I was always worried that I’d leave right before things got good. Maybe I just afraid to be wrong. 

I hope I have finally learned that staying beyond the usefulness of anything, whether it is a roof or a relationship, is not healthy. It is also not a failure to choose to change your circumstances when those circumstances conflict with what is beneficial to your overall self-worth, self-image, health, or aspirations. Choosing to surround your self with healthy, supportive people and rewarding work is how we love ourselves and it is impossible to create a fulfilling life, in my opinion, if you don’t first love  and care for yourself. Many things, both good and bad, are wonderful learning experiences.  It’s important to know when to let go and move on.

So as I step in to a new phase in my own life I am focusing on trusting my intuition. I am also  trying to remind myself that sometimes even when you’re scared, for whatever reason, that’s not enough of a reason to stop going forward. The safety of the familiar, the hope that sticking it out will be rewarded, or just the fear of regrets, are not enough to of a reason to ignore needed change or prolong the inevitable.

Courage is being scared to death… and saddling up anyway. – John Wayne

 

Jun1

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Thank you Dr. Bill!

drbillwooten's avatarDr Bill Wooten

“…you should really make a radical change in your lifestyle and begin to boldly do things which you may have previously never have thought of doing, or maybe too hesitant to attempt. So many people live within unhappy circumstances and yet will not take the initiative to change their situation because they are conditioned to a life of security, conformity and conservatism, all of which may appear to give one piece of mind, but in reality nothing is more damaging to the adventurous spirit within a man than a secure future. The very basic of a man’s living spirit is his passion for adventure. The joy of life comes from our encounter with new experiences, and hence there is no greater joy than to have an endlessly changing horizon, for each day to have a new and different sun…don’t hesitate or allow yourself to make excuses. Just get out and…

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