There is no pain so great as the memory of joy in present grief.

It’s been a year. In the day leading up to the year I told myself “he was alive this time last year.” Or “ He saw the fire works, even if it was just out of his window, this time last year” and worst of all “I could have called and heard his laugh this time last year but I didn’t”

But the year has now passed.

He always told me I’d bounce back, forget all about him, He was wrong and he hated to be wrong and I miss that I can’t rub it in.

When he left this world he took some part of me with him and left a hole I plug with memories, but there is still an ache that hasn’t dulled even though it’s been more than a year.

I saw a woman on the side of the street carrying a case of beer and a stuffed pony. I wanted to call and ask him where he thought she was going.

You were wrong Bobby. There is no forgetting you.

Grief can’t be shared. Everyone carries it alone. His own burden in his own way.

Anne Morrow Lindbergh

About Magnolia Beginnings

Just when you think you have it all down it changes again or... “Reshaping life! People who can say that have never understood a thing about life—they have never felt its breath, its heartbeat—however much they have seen or done. They look on it as a lump of raw material that needs to be processed by them, to be ennobled by their touch. But life is never a material, a substance to be molded. If you want to know, life is the principle of self-renewal, it is constantly renewing and remaking and changing and transfiguring itself, it is infinitely beyond your or my obtuse theories about it.” ― Boris Pasternak, Doctor Zhivago

16 responses »

  1. I don’t think grief ever leaves once you have felt it. At best, you find a place in your heart where you can place it, aware that it is ever-present, yet not inhibiting the ability for the heart to keep beating at the magic in a day. Thinking of you today..

  2. for years after my father died, i found myself reliving the countdown. “This was the day the kitten hitchhiked to town and dropped down on the highway when we stopped at the first red light.’ “This was the day my sister and I got caught in the rain shower, and how daddy laughed when he saw his two drenched daughters.” “This was the day…” Of course those memories are part of a sweet tonic that keeps him alive twenty years later.

    thankfully my replay buttons only activated in the month of his death, and after the day of his death, i was able to put away the memory recorder and move on… until the following year when i played it again.

    you have my sympathies.

  3. I am very sorry for your grief. A brief post but it speaks very loudly. Thank God, thank God I’ve not yet had to mourn (but my mother but I was too young). It is a very difficult reality of life. I truly wish you some comfort, however it may become.

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