There are these incredible moments of panic that strike me occasionally. They come out of nowhere. Today I was driving down the street and a commercial came on for the 40th year reunion concert of Orleans. Remember them? Dance with Me? No, okay, well I was never a fan either but the thought that forty years had passed since that song came out started a bit of chain reaction ending in me wondering what the hell I was doing starting all over again. I’m better now. I really thought by now I’d be settled on something but the panic inducing thought is that I will be starting over for the rest of my life because that’s just who I am. There will never be the 40th anniversary of anything I’ve done because most things have about a 7-year expiration date with me. A good friend says I shed a skin every seven years. Well, that’s not the most appealing visual is it? But I suppose there is some truth to it.

So, I am taking a deep breathe (no, not in a paper bag) and moving forward. Scared shitless, white-knuckled, screaming on the inside but forging ahead.

“Anxiety is the dizziness of freedom.” 
― Søren Kierkegaard

“I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.” 
― Frank Herbert, Dune

About Magnolia Beginnings

Just when you think you have it all down it changes again or... “Reshaping life! People who can say that have never understood a thing about life—they have never felt its breath, its heartbeat—however much they have seen or done. They look on it as a lump of raw material that needs to be processed by them, to be ennobled by their touch. But life is never a material, a substance to be molded. If you want to know, life is the principle of self-renewal, it is constantly renewing and remaking and changing and transfiguring itself, it is infinitely beyond your or my obtuse theories about it.” ― Boris Pasternak, Doctor Zhivago

25 responses »

  1. I really understand this. I read somewhere (the Bible undoubtedly) that perfect love casts out all fear. I haven’t found this particularly helpful in the past but now it resonates for me a bit – hopefully for you too (what the hell is perfect love anyway?)

      • The joy of an 18 year old son and the devastastion of a 76 year old husband who is dying – both of those things together do my head in a bit sometimes. Anyway I am so glad to be one of your followers now! You shine.

      • Oh Julie, I can say the same to you. I’ve gone through this with my father. Not the same, but still the unfortunate ring side seat full of the inability to do anything about the progression. My heart aches for you all.

  2. 40 year anniversary date of being a MOM! That’s something I highly admire in you 🙂

    P.S. — I remember Orleans and their kooky album cover, LOL! “Dance With Me” is a cute song. When it comes on Sirius 7, I always listen 🙂

  3. I have a severe anxiety disorder that I’m on medication for. I will be on it forever. That’s okay though. It’s like a diabetic needing insulin. However I have become an adrenaline junkie over the last few years. While I do panic and have some fear, the majority of the time I kind of flourish in my anxiety. It’s so much better than being scared and having panic attacks all the time. BTW I love the first quote. It really IS the dizziness of freedom.

    • How awful. My mother had the same thing pre anti anxiety meds and rarely left the house, so thank God for medication. I’m lucky. I just freak out occasionally internally…no one suspects a thing. Probably not a good thing.
      I question why I seek out th very thing that causes such anxiety. I’m learning to live with myself though!

      • Oh honey it’s how we’re made. It’s all got to do with the fight or flight response. Sometimes that part of us is screwed up. I’m glad I can function and flourish with the disorder. Anxiety and panic isn’t terminal and it’s something I can live with. It makes me more aware and cautious. Well… Sometimes I’m more cautious. Giggle.

  4. It is quite normal to feel occasional fear or panic, considering the big step that you have taken in changing your life’s direction. You will survive and soon look back with triumph down on the mountain you have climbed – or up to the blue skies above. I believe in you and I wish you courage to keep on your chosen path 🙂

    “I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear.” ― Nelson Mandela

    “Courage faces fear and thereby masters it”. Martin Luther King

  5. I have little anxiety attacks too! Sometimes I feel guilty and I don’t even know why… Here’s hoping you can kick fear in the pants and go out there and be awesome at being you!

  6. You’re not alone in your fear; I have read quite a few blogs lately (including my own!) that deal with the depleting emotions we feel here. So take heart, you are not alone. But even with those fear filled energies around, most of us are choosing to push them aside and move ahead – good for you! Stay strong 🙂

  7. Scared shitless maybe, but it takes courage and insight to recognise and move away from something that’s not working for you and try and make something better for yourself. Also, the extent of your fears are usually equal to the extent of your dreams in this context. So you must be dreaming big :)!

  8. There is so much that I love about this post of yours… it definitely resonates. Your quotes are amazing as well. And the ‘skin shedding’ makes me laugh. I am reminded of some of the incredible poetry of the musicians the Indigo Girls in the song Watershed (going from memory since it is a favorite) “Every five years or so I look back on my life, and I have a good laugh! You start at the top, take a full circle round, catch a breeze, take a spill… but ending up where I started again makes me wanna stand still”. Luckily they didn’t, they pushed through their fears and released many albums filled with incredible music and poetic lyrics, touching millions of listeners. We can push through our fears as well! Your post gives me hope!

    • What a lovely comment. Thank you so much for taking the time to post it. I’m so glad that it gave you some comfort. We’re all in the same boat most of the time we just put on a brave face. Keep pushing! : )

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