In Search of Me: my past.

Standard

Image

In order to understand who you truly are you must examine your past. The past shapes you but I believe that each person has the responsibility to decide what they keep and what is not useful or might even be dangerous to hold on to from their past. Sorting through your early past can be a mix of joy and pain for some lucky people. Then there are others that don’t have a lot good to say about thier childhood. The best thing I can say is that it made me who I am.

My mother, and father for that matter, had issues. There were huge issues that prevented them from parenting me. I know those issues preceded my birth but they seem to have escalated with every year of my life. One parent was always stealing me from the other. I spent long stretches in New Orleans with my mother and her sister and then back to New York with either, both parents, or just my father.  My mother tended to take off. Most of these issues were related to drugs and alcohol but I’m sure a fair share was just plan old mental illness. A therapist told me she thought it would be helpful to read the book “The Glass Castle”. She thought I could relate to it. I have it, and read the first chapter, but can’t seem to get much further. I probably should read it but having seemingly lived it I prefer to write my own stories.

Many difficult years followed but I always knew that I wanted a different life and a family of my own. There was something in me that knew life was not supposed to be the life I grew up in. I knew it even when it was happening. Years later when I worked with children I would see that in a select few. That knowledge, that although they come from chaos, they had no intention of living their future that way. It seems to be very important factor in how difficult the future will be for those individuals.

At 16 my parents lost custody of me and I lived in a group home with other kids that were incorrigible runaways. Of course I had nothing to run from, I was homeless, but 35 years ago there weren’t a lot of places to put me, and parents rarely lost custody of their children.

Now before you think that I’m writing this to run my parents into the ground, please know I’m not. I believe people do the best they can. Sometimes their best sucks and you need to distance yourself from them. I did that but also took care of both of them until they died a few years ago. I did that from a distance too,  because I know what was best for me.

I also believe that at a certain point in life everyone, no matter where they come from, is responsible for their own actions. I have spent a good portion of my life working with kids to help them see you don’t have to be your roots of origin. Taking responsibility for your life gives you power and control over it. Not necessarily the easy route but definitely the only way to really change your circumstances.

Having been raised the way I was is exactly what was supposed to happen to me. I read once that they only true forgiveness is when you are grateful for the experience. It has taken many years to be grateful, but I am.  I have utilized all of my experiences to become who I am. I really like me now and I am the sum total of all of my experiences, both good and bad.

For the next two weeks I am renting a gorgeous old house in Nantucket, Massachusetts. The kids are here and they’ve brought their friends. Friends of mine are also here. We’re quite the large, laughing, loving group. I look around this 214 year-old house and wonder what the lives of all of the people within these walls entailed.  How much happiness, sorrow, regret and joy happened in this house? How many of those people were able to take the hand that life dealt them and make a beautiful house of cards as I have. Yes, I treat it like a house of cards because you never know what life will bring. Happiness like this is a very delicate and fragile thing.  I feel incredibly grateful for my past that has brought me to this point in my life. There is very little I would change, huge mistakes of my own included. It doesn’t define me but it certainly helped mold me. I just continue to make alterations in this evolving project that is me and am constantly deciding what stays, and what needs to go, in order for me to be healthy and productive.

“I’ve never tried to block out the memories of the past, even though some are painful. I don’t understand people who hide from their past. Everything you live through helps to make you the person you are now.”

 Sophia Loren 

Advertisements

About Magnolia Beginnings

Just when you think you have it all down it changes again or... “Reshaping life! People who can say that have never understood a thing about life—they have never felt its breath, its heartbeat—however much they have seen or done. They look on it as a lump of raw material that needs to be processed by them, to be ennobled by their touch. But life is never a material, a substance to be molded. If you want to know, life is the principle of self-renewal, it is constantly renewing and remaking and changing and transfiguring itself, it is infinitely beyond your or my obtuse theories about it.” ― Boris Pasternak, Doctor Zhivago

11 responses »

  1. What a powerful post. Sounds to me like you have made a rose garden rather than a house of cards. Thank you for sharing your inspiring story. I love that you used your experience to help children better understand their own. You are a special individual and I am glad that I found you here amongst the huge blogosphere. 🙂

  2. I love this post. I love your honesty and strength. I love that you chose to help others with their circumstances. Thank you for sharing your experience and for modeling that we have choices.

  3. I relate to, empathize with, see myself in, congratulate you for, and applaud this post! I’m so happy you have found your happy and that you pay it forward in so many ways. We are the sum of it all and to change anything would change who we’ve become. NOT gonna happen! You are wonderful! Oh, and have a ball in Nantucket, you are in my neck of the woods these next two weeks, I hope MA treats you well.
    R

      • Yes…we just had a good one go thru. Yes, I’m just off cape in a little burg called Rochester. See? The world just keeps getting smaller yes? How nice to know.

  4. Kudos to you for rising above! I also grew up in a dysfunctional family, but I am grateful as well. It taught me to perservere in the midst of chaos and to never give up. I also work with kids and can recognize the pain in others. Everyone has a story, whether they admit it or not. My life taught me to appreciate that I can be the mother I want to and provide structure, consistency, and love to my own children, regardless of how I was raised. Thank you for sharing your pain. It helps to know that others have continued to put one foot in front of the other, despite their bleak circumstances. BTW, I have read “The Glass Castle” and it was a tough read, but necessary. One of my favorite books is the “Secret Life of Bees.” I cried the whole way through, but it was therapeutic for me. Enjoyed reading your posts! Happy Saturday to you!

I'd love to know what you think

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s